


In the Shadows of Life

by LucindaAM



Series: Write For Me [20]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff, Light Swearing, No Smut, Reader can shadow walk, Reader gets overwhelmed, again . . . angst., brief descriptions of a panic attack, but fluff too.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:53:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27964856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucindaAM/pseuds/LucindaAM
Summary: Based on this prompt:"Reader is sensitive to sensory input, (touch, sound, light, etc.) and everything has been going smooth because the reader's SO was great at making sure everyone understood. But then, Thor comes back from Asgard randomly after having been gone and isn't prepared. He acts like himself which is overwhelming. Thor feels bad because he didn't mean to do anything wrong.  Any pairing, whatever suits. Probably not Tony, just cause I feel like he's the most likely Avenger to totally overwhelm her but up to you if you can make it work. And there's fluff."
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, Reader&TheAvengersTeam
Series: Write For Me [20]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1997872
Comments: 32
Kudos: 90





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ChangelingChild](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChangelingChild/gifts).



> Gotta say, as someone who doesn't like being touched in any form (hugs, handshakes, poking, etc., etc.) I related to reader pretty damn hard. 
> 
> If anyone else does, know that I know it's a fight sometimes to get out of bed in the morning and to face life. Sometimes you do it because you have no other damn choice. Sometimes you do it because you have the courage to try. Either way, you're a warrior and a hero. And don't you forget it.

You smiled up at Bucky as he handed you another cup of coffee. You held it in both of your hands as you let the familiar smell and the warmth wash over you after a long day. Your headache was already raging. You swore you could still see the flashes of cameras going off behind your eyelids. The headache hadn’t been helped by the yells of the reporters asking every question under the sun. 

“Nightmare, why weren’t you present at yesterday's fight?!” 

“Nightmare! What makes you think you’re an asset to the team?!” 

“Nightmare, some are saying you’re a liability with your unique . . . weaknesses. What do you have to say to them?!” 

“Nightmare! Do the thing!” 

“Nightmare? Are you and Sergent Barnes together?” 

“Sergent, what’s the sex like?” 

You let out a deep breath and burrowed further into your blankets. 

Bucky watched you with concern brewing in his eyes. He was careful to keep his voice low as he reached out a hand and gently brushed the edge of your fingers, letting you take the lead just as he always did. “How are you doing, doll?” 

You felt like you wanted to crawl right out of your skin, but you didn’t want to tell him that. Instead, you twisted your hand slightly so you could hold his hand. 

“I’m okay.” You murmured. 

Bucky shot you a look that showed just how convinced he really was. You chuckled. “Really, Buck. I’m okay. It was just . . . a lot.” 

Ever since you’d come into your powers as a child, you’d preferred the darkness and solitude to the real world. Traveling through the shadows was a relief and you would always be more comfortable there than in the public eye. 

Unfortunately for you, life had a way of ever forcing you outside your comfort zone. You’d learned to grin in bear it when you had to, but that didn’t mean that you were ever going to enjoy it. Lucky for you, life had also given you a companion who knew exactly what it meant to prefer the shadows. The two of you were a match made in heaven. Always meant for the periphery, but never alone. 

Bucky sent you a wry smile “I know, doll. Believe me.” 

You leaned your check against the side of the couch. “You think Tony will ever let us off the hook?” 

Bucky grimaced and you had your answer. 

“Maybe Steve will take over . . .” 

Bucky shook his head and squeezed you hand gently. “Sorry, doll. I think the punk might hate it more than we do, and that’s saying something. He already told me that if he has to be a dancing Monkey, so do we.” 

You groaned and took your hand back and wrapped it around your coffee mug. “I don’t suppose he’d feel more generous if he saw my pathetic state after?" 

Bucky crossed his arms over his chest and gave you a sympathetic look. 

“Well that really spangles my stars.” You cursed under your breath. 

Bucky glanced at you in shock for a minute before he threw his head back and laughed. You winced as the pain speared your head, but quickly schooled your expression back to normal before Bucky glanced at you again. It was so rare that Bucky felt free enough to laugh and you didn’t want to dampen his spirits. 

Bucky’s laugh petered off and he looked at you with a tender affection in his eyes. The two of you could have sat there, in blissful silence, for the rest of the night, but sometimes fate had other plans. A thundering BOOM sounded, and a shock wave rolled through the building. You glanced at Bucky who was making a face. Before you could ask what was going on, JARVIS spoke up from the speakers. “Sir is requesting your presence in the common room. He wishes Y/N to meet our resident God of Thunder.” 

You sighed as you grudgingly leaned over to put your coffee mug on the table in front of you. “Let’s get it over with.” You sighed. 

Bucky glanced at you anxiously, knowing how much of an ask it was to get you to leave the apartment most of the time, let alone when you were feeling so overwhelmed by the earlier assaults on your senses. 

You ignored his concerned gaze as you let the blanket fall from your shoulders. You pushed up from the couch and reached for his hand, clinging to the physical connection it gave you. Thor hadn’t been around for a while. Not since you’d been recruited at least, but you knew enough about him. When he was on Earth, he was a media darling what with his loveable, if loud, charm and his attractive looks. 

You sighed and squeezed Bucky’s hand, reassuring yourself that he was by your side, and then you stepped towards the one wall in the apartment where not a lick of light could be found and you stepped right into the shadows, pulling Bucky along with you. The rush of darkness, the absence of sounds and smells, all of it rushed over you and gave you the dopamine rush you only felt when you were in your safe place. Nothing could follow you here. 

Moments later, you stepped into the common room where the rest of the team was gathered. 

Tony glanced at you and smirked as you pulled Bucky out of the shadows behind you. Steve followed his train of sight and smiled too as he looked between you and his best friend before he turned his attention back to the newcomer. 

Your hand squeezed around Bucky’s as you took in Thor’s . . . overwhelming presence. It was like a wave of pure happiness had slammed into you. You hated it. 

You stepped closer to the wall, sticking close to what you knew best. 

Bucky squeezed your hand lightly but refused to leave your side. 

You loved that about him. 

Eventually, Thor’s eyes swept around the room and made contact with you. “Ah! My friend! And you must be the newest member of the team!” Thor’s voice boomed in the relatively large space and you winced. 

Outed, Bucky tugged on your hand gently as he led to you the Asgardian’s side. Bucky kept a hand on the small of your back, lightly reminding you that he was right there. 

You slid the ‘happy/carefree’ mask that you had years perfecting over your features as the two of you sidled up to Thor’s side. You couldn’t help reaching for the shadows though, with every step you took. Tendrils of shadow snuck across the carpet towards you, heading your call. 

Thor swooped in suddenly, his bright smile hiding a dark secret. He was a damn hugger. 

You gasped in panic as he wrapped you tightly in his arms and spun you around, severing your connection with Bucky. 

Thor’s voice was thunderously loud as he shouted right next to your sensitive ear. “Welcome to the team, young one! May Odin smile down upon you!” 

Thor dropped you back to your feet, his grin dimming as he took in your panicked expression, your mask absolutely shattered. He took a step towards you. He called your name in question. You shook your head and did the only thing you could think to do. You locked your legs and fell backwards, letting the shadows in the carpet swallow you whole. 

Thor glanced with worry from the place you’d just disappeared to Bucky and back again. “She is well?” He asked. 

Bucky’s jaw ticked as he stared at the spot you’d just vanished to the wall of shadows and back again. 

Steve cleared his throat, drawing Thor’s attention when it became clear that Bucky wasn’t going to answer. “She’s a shadow walker.” He tried explaining. “Loud noises, bright lights, that sort of thing . . . they all overwhelm her. She just . . . needed a minute.” 

“I see. I shall find her, and apologies at once!” Thor’s voice boomed. 

Tony shook his head. “Quiet. Remember? Quiet and gentle. Let her come back to you. She gets overwhelmed easy.” Out of everyone, besides Bucky, Tony was the most in tune with you. His own bouts of panic gave him something in common with you. Sometimes, he was jealous of your ability to let the ground quite literally swallow you up. 

Thor glanced back at Bucky who was still glaring at the ground and patted him on the shoulder. “Tell your lady that I am sorry, Sir Soldier. I did not mean to cause her any distress.” 

Bucky nodded absently and bent down to trace a hand over the carpet, checking for any remaining tendrils of your shadows. 

He found nothing. 

The rest of the team glanced at him and then at each other before they slowly turned and went back to what they’d been doing before Thor arrived. 

Steve paused in the doorway and glanced back at his friend. 

“Go wait in your room for her, Buck.” He suggested softly. “Besides her shadows, that her happy place. She’ll turn up soon.” 

Bucky nodded and slowly filtered out of the room just like everyone else. 

He moved back towards your room and sighed. He knew what it was like to be overwhelmed and he wished he could take the pain away from you. 

Still, though, he was proud as hell of the warrior you were regardless. You would always prefer your shadows and your safe places but you never kept yourself there. You fought to live a normal life. Just like him. You were braver than people realized. Not everyone knew what is was to fight a war against yourself, everyday, just to get out of bed in the morning. You were his hero. And he didn’t care if he had to spend the rest of his life proving it to you. 

Bucky slipped into the bedroom and made sure JARVIS knew to activate your calm settings. Then, he grabbed your discarded blanket off the couch and wrapped it around his shoulders before he settled down against the blank wall filled with shadows. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes before he reached out a hand and stroked the hard surface, imagining the ripples he could sometimes see if he looked closely enough. 

Quietly, he called your name and started humming a soft lullaby he could almost remember his own mother singing to him. 

For a long time, he sat there, thinking about you, as he dipped his hand in the shadows, and hummed the gentle melody of his tune. 

Eventually, just like it always did, a hand reached out and gripped his like a lifeline. Bucky’s hand froze against yours as you squeezed his fingers and his eyes flicked down watching your arm as you slowly pulled yourself out of the shadows you craved so much and back into the land of the living. He never once tried to pull you. Never once tried to coax you out with his words. He just sat there, humming quietly, while he squeezed your hand to remind you that he was there if you needed him. 

Eventually, your hand lifted from the ground as somewhere in the darkness, you pushed to your feet and took a step forward. 

Bucky caught you as you walked out of your shadows and nearly collapsed as the real world once again threatened to overwhelm you. “I’ve got you.” He murmured against you, as he pressed you to his chest and smoothed your hair. 

You blinked owlishly at the light, dim as it was, and hugged him tightly to your chest. 

“I’ve got you.” He murmured again. 

A small smile graced your lips even as your eyes slipped close against the bright light and loud sounds that threatened to send you running right back into the darkness. “You always do.” You murmured back. 

“And I always will.” He promised. 

You let a shuddering breath slip out of you and released the hold you still had on the shadows. The sunk away from your body as you let Bucky sweep you up in his arms and lead you to the bedroom. “Come on, doll. You look like you could use a good nap.” 

You chuckled, the headache from earlier still pounding away against your skull. “Only if sleep next to me and keep the big bad monsters away.” 

Bucky leaned close and pressed his nose against yours. “I think that’s your job.” He teased quietly as he settled you in bed. 

You sighed as the soft material brushed against your skin. “That’s right.” You yawned. “Your job is to keep the big bad Asgardian’s away.” 

Bucky brushed your hair out of your face as he settled in beside you. “I can do that.” He murmured. 

You smiled as you slipped asleep and a different kind of shadow took you away. 

It wasn’t easy keeping yourself in the light. 

But with Bucky by your side, you could do anything. 

You just didn’t know how much the same thing applied but in reverse. 

You were Bucky’s hero after all. 

He needed you just as much as you need him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't originally intend for there to be more of this story . . . and then I could't get it out of my head. XD

He wasn’t sure what first clued him in. Maybe it was the sudden gasp of pain that carried on the wind at just the right second. Or maybe he was just that attuned with you. But either way, Bucky froze and his world came crashing down around him as time seemed to slow and he turned around to see you, your face frozen shock, your hands pressed to your bleeding chest. 

“Noooo!” He roared. Time rushed back at him as he raced to you, mercilessly cutting down anyone who got in his way. 

Your glazed eyes met his and you shook your head slowly. ‘I’m sorry.’ You mouthed. 

Bucky pumped his legs harder. 

‘I love you.’ 

He lunged over the dead. 

‘It’s okay.’ 

Just as reached your side, the shadows behind you flared up, sucking you in. Bucky collapsed to his knees, his gun slipping from his fingers as he frantically clawed at the dirt where you ought to be. 

“No, no, no, no, no.” He murmured. 

“Buck! Hey! Bucky!” 

Bucky shook his head, desperate. 

“Barnes!” Sam’s hand came down on his shoulder, hard. 

Bucky spun around, gun suddenly back in his fingers as he pointed it at Sam’s gut. 

Sam threw up his hands. “We gotta go man. Come on.” 

Bucky took less than a moment to process it all before he shook his head frantically and returned to digging in the dirt. 

Sam wished he could give the man a second to breathe, but there was too much else going on. With only a moment’s hesitation, he grabbed wrapped a hand around Bucky’s arm and yanked him to his feet. “We gotta go!” He ordered again, dragging Bucky away from the spot you’d disappeared. 

Bucky couldn’t pull his eyes off the spot, he was desperate for you to reappear, but as Sam grabbed his shoulder and forced him into the quinjet only seconds before Natasha took to the sky, he had to admit that there was nothing more he could do. Just like that, you were gone.


	3. Chapter 3

Steve glanced at Bucky who hadn’t moved from the couch since the team had gotten back from the mission yesterday. His eyes were glazed over his hands were limp against his sides. Dark bags colored under his eyes. 

“Buck?” Steve asked softly, moving towards him. 

Bucky didn’t even twitch. 

“Bucky.” Steve said again, stepping closer to him. He crouched down at Bucky’s side and patted his shoulder. “Are you okay?” 

Bucky finally, finally glanced up and looked at Steve. Tears welled in his eyes as the question registered and every feeling Bucky had been holding back for the past few hours washed over him. He shook his head slowly. “No.” He choked out. “I’m not.” 

Steve nodded his head slowly, wishing desperately that he could fix this for his friend but there was nothing he could do. Still, he couldn’t help but try. “Come on, Buck. Let’s get you to bed. Maybe you’ll feel better in the morning?” He phrased it like a question and winced as the truth of the situation washed over them both at the same time. Bucky was never going to be okay again. 

Still, Bucky pushed to his feet and let Steve lead him to his bedroom. Bucky swallowed hard as he stood outside of the door to the room he’d shared with you. His jaw ticked as his hand hovered over the knob. Steve shuffled awkwardly beside him and Bucky took a deep breath before he twisted the knob. “I’m fine.” He murmured gruffly, not bothering to turn and face Steve. He didn’t want Steve to see the brokenness he couldn’t cover plastered across his features. He didn’t want Steve to know just how much he felt your loss in every sense of the word. 

Steve seemed to understand. 

He bit his tongue against the words contradictory words and nodded his head slowly. He slapped Bucky on the back once more before he turned to walk down the hallway. 

Bucky watched him go until he was out of sight and then he turned around and steeled himself before he opened the door. 

It was the scent that hit him first. It smelled like you. 

Bucky stepped into the room and couldn’t help himself as he slipped to his knees. He shuffled towards the corner of the room that he’d always thought of as your space and ran his hands over the smooth surface of the wall basked in shadows. He leaned his forehead against the wall and let out a stuttering breath. “Doll.” His voice broke as a tear slipped down his cheek. “You’ve always made it back to me. Please don’t let this time be any different.” His hands stroked the surface, begging the shadows to twist as they always did whenever your powers were pulling on them. “Please come back to me.” 

Slowly Bucky twisted until he was sitting on the floor. His flesh arm splayed out against the wall and just like he’d done a thousand times before, he started humming the opening bars of the melody he knew so well. His voice shook and broke as he fought the demons in his own mind, but he did his best to keep them at bay as he chanted your name over and over and begged you to come back to him. 

He didn’t know how long he sat there, chanting your name, picturing your face, your smile, imagining your laugh . . . all he knew was that when he felt an arm stretch out of the shadows and grip his hand, he felt like his heart had finally started beating again. 

Bucky let out a choked gasp as he gripped your arm and pulled with everything he had. It took all the strength he had before the shadows finally relinquished their pull on you and you collapsed forward, into his arms. 

One of your hands was pressed to your chest, trying to stem the flow of blood that was starting to flow sluggishly again. The other bloodstained hand reached up to cup his face. “I heard you.” You mumbled tiredly. “I heard you.” 

Your hand dropped down to your side as the strength faded out of you but you kept your weary smile on Bucky’s tear-stained face as he picked you up and rushed you out of the room. 

Bucky leaned down to press a kiss to your forehead as he raced you to medical. “Don’t ever leave me again, doll.” He begged. “I don’t know what I’d do.” 

You chuckled and ignored the wince pulling on your lips as your chest jostled. “You sayin’ you wanna come with me next time?” 

Bucky pulled you a little closer to him and squeezed his eyes shut as the elevator slowed to a stop. “Anywhere, baby. I’d go anywhere with you.” 

Your smile was faint but there all the same as you glanced up at him. “Then into the shadows we go.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's for shoddyhatter since I done did you wrong with the last update. XD

Bucky sat by your bedside, clinging to your hand as though he was afraid that if he let you go, you'd disappear again. The doctors and other medical staff came and went, nobody staying too long under Bucky's watchful gaze. Bucky's eyes never left your sleeping features for long. But his heart beat calmly in his chest knowing that you were going to be alright.

A knock sounded on the door and Bucky looked up to see Steve standing there. "How is she?" He asked softly, gesturing at you with his chin.

Bucky stroked his fingers over your knuckles. "Okay. Sleeping."

Steve nodded and pushed off the doorjam walking further into the room. He slipped his hands in his pockets and took in the domestic scene. 

For a moment the two of them sat in silence and then Bucky sighed. "Spit it out, punk." He murmured, not taking his eyes off of you.

Steve's lips quirked up into half a grin. "What makes you think I have something to say?" He asked.

Bucky shot him a wry look. "You never were good at keepin' secrets."

"Jerk." Steve shot back.

Bucky smiled before he turned his attention back to you. You sighed softly in your sleep and squeezed Bucky's hand unconciously. Bucky smiled.

"I think you should take some time off." Steve said softly.

Bucky tensed but otherwise didn't react to Steve's news. 

Steve sighed and moved even closer. He put his hand on Bucky's shoulder. "I'm serious, Buck. I think the two of you need some time off. Together."

Bucky glanced at him. "You want me to leave . . . with her?"

Steve nodded and crossed his arms over his broad chest.

"Just like that?" 

Steve nodded again.

Bucky took in a deep breath. He couldn't say that the thought wasn't tempting . . . but . . . the team needed him. Needed _you._ You couldn't just walk away.

Steve could practically hear Bucky overthinking it. "It wouldn't be forever, Buck. Just a few days. I think . . ." Steve sighed. "I think she needs it. You both do. Neither of you are comfortable with the spotlight and we . . . _I've_ asked you to be in it for far too long. Think of it as an early wedding present."

Bucky started. His head whipped around to glance at Steve.

Steve chuckled. "We've known each other for almost seventy years, Buck, you really think I didn't know you were thinkin' about proposing?"

A wry smile curled at Bucky's lips but he shook his head. "When did you get so smart?" He asked.

Steve grinned. "I've been working with Natasha. I've picked up a few things."

"You know what they say about old dogs and new tricks . . ." A sleepy voice murmured from the bed. Two sets of eyes glanced down just in time to see your eyes flutter shut again as you slipped right back asleep. 

Bucky grinned as he ran a finger down the side of your face. 

"Alright, punk. We'll take the vacation."

Steve nodded, satisfied. He headed for the door. "You picked a good one, Buck." He said.

Bucky's grin only grew. "I know I did." He agreed. "Shadow born but too bright to stay." He murmured. He leaned down and pressed a kiss against your temple. You hummed in your sleep and curled yourself towards him.

He couldn't wait to start a new future with you.

Life often overwhelmed you both. The shadows clung to you for comfort and for security. But you had always come back to him.

And you always would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I forgiven? XD

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Mini announcement; I'm starting to cut down on the amount of time I spend writing and reading on Archive. I really enjoy it, but, at least for now, there's other things that I think I need to focus my time on. That means that for the time being, I'm not taking any more requests so I can focus on finishing my other open stories. 
> 
> I'll let you know as soon as that changes! 
> 
> Thank's for sticking with me through the highs and lows, the fluff and the angst. Hope you've enjoyed reading and I look forward to seeing what other ideas are brewing your minds later! 
> 
> (PS- f you've already put in a request and I promised to finish it; don't worry, those will still be done. ;)


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